“The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.” -Helen Keller
The other night I decided to run a little experiment, chez moi.
I came home in a terrible mood – Obviously not on purpose, but it had been one of those days. I know, I know, coaches are meant to be perfect and never get mad, or if we do get mad, we’re supposed to be able to magic ourselves out of it with a few simple coaching tricks.
Sometimes easier said than done.
So I got home, Anya and Richie were happily playing dollies and watching tennis. I took one look, and instead of being grateful that they were happy, I was pissed off that dinner wasn’t started, the dishwasher wasn’t unloaded, and basically the house was in a bit of a state. So I started banging around in the kitchen, unloading the dishwasher, while simultaneously cooking dinner, cleaning up, and performing a highland fling.
Then Ans decided to come and play in the sink .
10 minutes later I notice she’s throwing the plastic cups and bowls I’ve given her to play with and saying “NO NO NO!” in a very angry, cookie monster voice.
Hmmm was it a coincidence that I’d just been swearing (not so discretely) under my breath at the tea towel and now she’s impatiently yelling at the bowls?
I think not.
She was so annoyed with what was going on in her sink, that she started pouring water on the floor – not normal behavior from her.
I tried to calm her down.
I put on my best “mummy’s very calm voice” and explained that her behavior wasn’t ok.
More water on the floor.
She clearly wasn’t buying the mummy’s calm voice, and wasn’t interested in taking my advice that she should calm down.
I started to yell – yelling at someone to be calm – Great strategy!! (In the heat of the moment it feels like a good idea, but it actually doesn’t help me create what I desire – peace and calm.) She started to cry.
I felt like the worst mother ever – things were going from bad to worse.
“This is all my fault!” is what I was telling, yelling, at myself.
Why was it my fault?
Well, I know (as you may know too) that in our brains we have these things called mirror neurons. Mirror neurons are aptly named, because (very basically) what they do is mirror other people’s neurons (brain cells). So my daughters brain started to mirror my brain. The reason she started to mirror me and not the other way around, was because my emotion was much stronger than hers in that moment. My emotion had more energy. In effect my bad mood had caused her bad mood.
After some time out (mine) I decided to try a little experiment…….
If I can affect her emotions with my emotions, her brain with my brain, will it work with love and kindness?
Alone in the bathroom, my 3 year old in the bath, I drop into wordlessness, and then oneness.
Note:
Wordlessness (you can read more about this in Martha Beck’s latest book, Finding your way in a wild new world) is, in a nutshell, about dropping into your body and out of your head, there’s no mental jibber jabber going on, just awareness of the moment.
Oneness, (once again, to better understand, I recommend Martha’s new book) simply put it’s the process of connecting with everything around me, feeling at one with the universe.
I know, it’s all very Star Wars.
As I was in the space of Wordlessness and Oneness, I felt the most enormous heart bursting love for my daughter, even as she was screaming and crying and kicking! (usually this kind of behavior makes me want to scream and cry and kick!!) I started gently rubbing her back with a face cloth, my tone of voice changed, I felt my body totally relax and my gaze softened.
I didn’t try to make her calm, I just calmed myself – not for her, but for me.
Then something interesting happened
I noticed little changes, she stopped crying, she kept throwing her toys (literally) but she also started laughing, by the time she got out of the bath she was talking away about her dollies, and how dad let her wear my heels to do the recycling – hmmm I’ll deal with him later!
I always knew that, who I am, how I think and feel deeply affects all those around me, but I could never be bothered in the moments when I was feeling shitty to change my experience. Then when I saw how powerful and toxic my anger and frustration was, I became curious – could I be just as powerful in kindness and love?
Yup.
So you want to try?
Here’s how I do it.
1. Awareness – Become aware of what your feeling now. Name it (anger, pressure, anxiety, frustration etc) Notice where you feel that tension in your body, and describe it to yourself. eg: “its in my stomach and it feels like a ball of fire.” Allow yourself some time and space to feel your emotions all the way through, let them pass through you like a storm would. This is a practice that’s best done alone. I don’t recommend that you go and unleash your emotions on everyone around you.
Now let it go by dropping into wordlessness
2. Wordlessness – My favourite way to do this; I drop into my body and start listening for my heart beat, I start feeling for it in my finger tips, and toes. When I’m doing this, everything becomes quiet and thoughts are difficult to form. There are a heap of other ways to do this – check out Martha’s book if you’re interested.
3. Oneness – Once again there are many different ways to do this, one of my personal favourites is; I think of someone or something I’m grateful for. Then I think of 5 reasons why I’m grateful for them or it. Then I place an image of that person or thing on my heart, and breath deeply into my heart. I know it sounds too simple doesn’t it -try it and see what you think.
I would love to know how this process works, or doesn’t work for you, and of course I always welcome comments about your experiences.
If you have any questions please feel free to connect with me via email.
Much Love
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