“The great work of our time, is to bring the feminine into our culture.” – Marion Woodman

the other night i was on a call with a friend,
she said; “don’t be so hard on your self, give yourself the year”
i said;  “yeah, you’re right, i’ll be indulgent and take the year”
she said; “well, if you call changing nappies, wiping snotty noses, cooking and cleaning and looking after your family indulgent!”

ahhh yes, that’s what i was referring to as self indulgence.

and it hit me.
i, like many, many, many, other women out there – don’t know how to truly treat myself with great care.  i put myself last, at every corner.  well maybe not every corner, but pretty damn often.

let me give you an example;
a couple of weeks ago, i was sick, which to me was like christmas, i was actually a bit excited to be feeling so bad, because it meant i had an excuse to stay in bed, read my book, watch Ellen, and go to bed early.  it was like a holiday.  a guilt free holiday.

or this:
i wanted to listen to a radio show with 2 of my favourite authors, it was on at 5pm-6pm.  i asked my husband if he would mind me listening to the show. (i was going to edit out this wording, mind me - and change it to asked my husband if he would help me listen to the show in peace, by looking after the girls - which is true too,  but i realised how deeply this kind of thinking is ingrained in me, and i thought it was a good reminder.)  all he had to do was hang out with the kids, and get dinner on the table (which of course i had prepared earlier).  he  happily agreed to be with the girls, but the whole time i was listening, i felt guilty.  this isn’t because he was making me feel bad – it was because i was making me feel bad.

the reason i’m talking about this, is because i know i’m not the only woman in the world who has moments like this.
and you know what?
that is not ok.

i have 2 little girls, and the last thing in the world i want to teach them, is that their happiness comes in after everyone elses.  that for them to be ok, everyone else has to be ok first.

daddy can go and play golf.  but mummy shouldn’t take an hour to listen to inspiring women talk and share their ideas.  mummy should be inside with the family.  (logically this is not how i think, i know better.  but because of my social training this is kind of what i think, without thinking).

women will only be treated differently, better, like the amazing, magnificent, beautiful creatures we are – when we learn how to treat ourselves this way first.

i spend a lot of my time telling my clients; do what feels most loving for you.
and while i’m great at doing what feels most loving for me in the bigger moments, you know, like, telling someone what i need from them in a relationship, or giving myself space and setting a boundary, there are still a thousand little moments in a day, where i’m putting myself second, missing opportunities to treat myself with love, kindness, respect, and compassion.  i’m certainly not lavishing myself with love and kindness, or doing what feels most loving for myself in every moment.

• a cup of tea either gets gulped down so fast i forget i even had it, or it sits, almost full until i finally get a chance to take a moment for me, and then it’s cold.
• i have a shower as fast as i can, with the door wide open, the draft blowing in, and little people toddling in and out, throwing books, dolls and shoes into the bath with me.
• when i get an email from a friend, i write a hurried response, rather than enjoying the connection we share.
• i am the last one to sit down at the dinner table, making sure everyone has everything.
• if i ever do get a quiet house to myself, i feel like there’s so much that i want to do, that i try and do all of it, like  while i write an email, i make a mental list, phone a friend, feel wistful about having a nap – and guilty for wasting time if i actually take it, and then, if i’m lucky i might squeeze in a 2 or 3 pages of my book.  make that 2 books – because i can’t just read one at a time, that wouldn’t be efficient.  i need all that information, all at once. and then i check my phone – again.

it seems i’ve forgotten the art of being a woman, i’ve lost my wild feminine.  that part of myself that is wild and free and moves with intention, purpose and grace.  i’ve forgotten that to give anything; love, kindness, time, appreciation, fun, i must be able to openly and freely receive these things too.  i’ve forgotten that to be an amazing, magnificent and beautiful creature i must treat myself this way.  i must put myself first.

and so this is my practice.  bringing myself into alignment with my inate feminine soul.  because the feminine in all of us (not just women – men too) is about allowing, receiving, opening, being.

and how, you might ask, am i doing that?
i think this will look different for every woman, or maybe not – but here’s what i’ve been doing……

i’m getting very, very, clear about what i want to do each day.  and i’m doing it.  this means that i spend time alone with myself each morning in yoga or meditation, i focus on something or nothing and notice what comes up from deep within me.  i’ve stopped focusing on what would be best for the kids, what kind of craft activity would be most fum for them, and i’ve started to do what i want to do, making space and  inviting them to join in with me – which they usually do.  i’ve started to go to the part of the park that has no playground, only trees, where we can just lie in the grass, make daisy chains and climb tress, imagining all sorts of things.  i breath, deeply into my pelvic bowl.  i notice the wind on my face, the stars in the sky and sun on my back.  i’m falling into sync with the seasons of the earth, the day, myself.  i ask myself questions like, “what do i want?” and get answers like, “malva pudding, a sleep-in, a hot bath, a story, a walk, sex, that print, new clothes, a trip away with my girlfriends, that book, wind chimes, to go horse riding…..”  and then i climb into a bath, or bed, i follow my heart, my longings, my feminine nature, and feel fulfillment.  indulgence.  love.

and what about the guilt, you ask, how do you deal with the guilt?

turns out that’s kind of easy.

when i’m doing the things my heart calls me to do, and when i really pay attention to what’s actually going on around me, rather than telling myself a story about what i should be doing – then i start to notice that everyone around me relaxes, firstly, because it reminds them that it’s perfectly ok to do whatever they want to do.  it creates an environment of freedom and choice for everyone.  secondly, because when i feel fulfilled, happy, and relaxed – less focused on how to make others happy, and totally focused on how to make me happy, then i have something to offer, something to give, i’m not pouring from an empty cup.  i’m a whole person again.  i notice that sometimes i feel guilty, and that’s ok, this is a new thing i’m learning how to do.  i remind myself how my guilt makes me behave, how horrible that feels, and how i’m less like the mama i want to be when i feel guilty like that.

if you struggle with this idea, you could try this one little thing.  a practice i got from a lovely book i’m reading called Mothering from Your Centre, by Tami Lynn Kent.

each day, create an invitation for your feminine nature to be with you, give her some space in your life.  you can do this by giving yourself 15 – 20 minutes to enjoy a mug of your favourite warm beverage.  keep a special notebook handy so you can jot down any ideas, thoughts or dreams that come to you, and take your time, enjoying the warmth and nourishment that come from the time spent alone.  don’t check your email, read your book, or ring a friend.  don’t make a groceries list, organise your photos or let your kids climb all over you.  just be. centre. and notice what comes up.

as always, keep me up with what’s going on for you on your path, i’d love to hear how you’re inviting your feminine into your daily life.

lots of love

“if you focus on results you will never get change.  if you focus on change, you will get results” – Jack Dixon

this weekend we were meant to go and stay with friends and share Easter together.  unfortunately, the dog got sick, i got sick, and my friend’s child got sick.  so with a long rainy weekend ahead of us, i decided to move the girls into the same room.  Anya has been ready for this for a couple of weeks, asking “when is it going to be the girls room”.   so we moved them.  it’s a bit of a squash in “the girls room”, but it’s cosy and feels really sweet to me.  they love it, they whisper and giggle and snuggle together.  it’s slowly taking shape.  i’ll post photo’s later.

and so this is my oldest daughter’s, old room.  the room that was my least favourite space in the house, the room that i decided to play with, and use  the butterfly effect on.  i wanted know what would happen if i changed an area of my house – would it change an area of my life? (if you want to know what the butterfly effect is – check this out.)

the spare room/office, is in transition.  the cupboards are looking spic and span, free of clutter, the floors are clean, and the room is almost empty of everything that needs to be taken out.  waiting for what’s to come in.

a quick re-cap
this room used to feel;
bare, empty – lacking.  i used to become annoyed in here.  my body didn’t feel relaxed, and my eyes were always searching around the room,  my mind was busy wondering what to do about this space and feeling embarrassed that i still hadn’t done anything -  i wished things were different.
i noticed, how bare the walls were, and how sad i felt that this was not the little girls room i dreamed about creating when i was pregnant.  i noticed there was art i’d wanted to frame and cherish -  that was still sitting, waiting for me.  i wanted to decorate, but there seemed to be endless choices.  i didn’t know what to choose, or where to start.   i wanted it to look perfect and beautiful – but i wasn’t sure i’d get it right.  i felt stuck and unsure.

reading between the lines;
anya’s room/my life -there was an area of my life /myself that felt bare, empty, and a little lacking.   i was annoyed about it, i beat myself up about it a bit, and it was constantly on my mind, but i didn’t really know where to start.  i was afraid to start because i didn’t want to mess it up, i felt the need to be perfect in this area.  i was embarrassed about it.  i didn’t want people to see this side of me. (shame – for the Brene Brown fans out there) i  had dreamed that this part of my life would be different from the current situation i had.  somethings in this area of my life were wonderful, but i didn’t enjoy them as much as i could have.

so what’s changed?
well things have started to happen.  my mind is tempted to put them down to coincidence, and possibly it is just a coincidence – but deeper down i know there’s no such thing. and no, they’re not major shifts – but they’re changes i wasn’t expecting, little turtle steps along the way, just as the space is slowly shifting, so is this area of my life.

so, for the last month i’ve been waiting, to hear back about a project i’ve been working on, it felt stagnant, like nothing was going to happen, and i was ready to give up and let it go.  the weekend i changed the room, i got an email confirming something really exciting for me.  another thing that happened is; i’ve been invited to join a group i’ve been wanting to be part of for a long time – yeaaaa.  and, two other emails arrived asking me to move forward with other projects that i’m really thrilled about.   i’ve also noticed that this area of my life doesn’t feel stuck anymore.  it feels open, and fresh and full of possibility.

the room, and my life are still a work in progress – and so far i haven’t bought anything into the space that feels loving, inviting, inspiring or fun.  (the words that this picture inspires in me).  But just by cleaning and clearing out the room, the space and energy has already shifted.

i’m looking forward to watching what happens next.

are you playing too?  i’d love to hear what your changing, what the room looks like, what’s shifted in your life.  is this working for you?  are you confused and need help?  just write a comment in the box below, and let me know where you’re at, i’d love to hear what’s happening in your life.

much love on your journey

like, wow my life has changed drastically since my last entry.  but you know, it really hasn’t.
and the reason this is true – is because i’ve done very little about changing or shifting that space.  (my daughter’s bedroom.)
other things have changed, but not that room, and not that area of my life.

here’s why;

1 – it’s expensive to bring in the things i’d like to add to her room  – new blankets, duvets, and pillows, frame her art, a mirror, other prints i would like to put up  in her room, light decorations……
i start to feel a little overwhelmed when i think about it, and scouring etsy for that perfect blanket makes me anxious.

2 – i can see stuff i’d like to get rid of – but what if i need it, it’s  still useful.  i hesitate and stay the same, stuck.

plus,
and let me be honest here,
i would really really like to impress you with my interior decorating skills – yes it’s true.

and, i would like the whole room to be put together and finished, without going through the half done phase.

and yes, all these phrases can be pretty much cut and paste and put into the life situation that this room relates to.  (if you’re just joining the conversation….basically the idea is, that you can change your life circumstances, by changing the exterior circumstances of your living space.  you can read more about it here.)  only it’s not really working yet, as i haven’t changed the room! lol.

soooooo

what to do?
well first of all i’m going to stop pressuring myself about this, and stop beating myself up about how it’s not perfect.  i wanted to do this because i thought it would be fun – and now i’ve sucked all the fun out of it.

second of all, i’m going to stop trying to do it all at once, and focus on the first step, which is letting go of the things we don’t love or use.  i’m going to take Nate berkus advice, and let the room grow organically, slowly bringing in pieces that feed my soul, not rushing the process.

clearly, my ambitions were a little lofty – i thought i would whack this wee project out in a week or two.  turns out i need more time.  i’m taking it slow.  instead of looking for ways to add to this room, make it better, first i’m going to take away the things that aren’t working.

i’m letting go.

this is my stepping stone. my turtle step.

i’ve also printed out the image and put it up in my room, so i see it, feel it, and let it seep into my body, so instead of it being an outside image, it becomes a part of me.

so if you’re facing the same kind of problem…feeling stuck, like you had a whole lot of fire in your belly, and now it’s just died out and you feel disappointed, that doesn’t mean it’s the end of the road.  it doesn’t mean you’re allowed to beat yourself with the idea you failed.  not at all.  it’s just information.  it’s where you are now, not where you have to be tomorrow.

so look for your own turtle step, you maybe further ahead than me, or a little behind, it doesn’t matter, just look for the smallest, easiest thing you can do and go and do it.  like this.

• whats the smallest thing you can do to that room?

• write it down.

• make a commitment to go into that room, and do it.  today.

• and then tomorrow do something different, one small tiny thing that you can easily manage.

even if that small thing is – take out the rubbish, or clean the windows, or dust……

until eventually, you’ve shifted.

i’ll keep you posted

much love

so if you read my last post you’ll know that i’ve decided to give my life a make-over.
because there are somethings that just feel – how do i put it – uggggh.
things aren’t that bad – but i want more fun, more love, more freedom, more laughter, more me to shine through into my everyday life.  not just the special occasion me.

so i’m going to start with something i haven’t tried before, but have always been fascinated by……..

the butterfly effect

the butterfly effect is the rule that says, if you change one thing – even a tiny little thing – then that change has the power to affect anything and everything else – and will.
i first read about this in steering by starlight a martha beck book.

so i’m going to do this the fun way……..i’m going to take you on a tour of my life by letting you see through my home (well parts of it).  if you’re wondering why we’re starting with my home – it’s because the outside conditions of your life, are like a mirror, it reflects back to you what’s going on on the inside, your heart and your mind. so if you look through your home, it’s like looking into your life – and the area(s) you like least in your home, will in someway look like an area of your life, an area that you struggle with or don’t like.  plus it’s fun.  i love house stuff – though that will not be apparent from what you’re about to see!

step 1.  the walk through.  the first thing i’m going to do is, walk you through my home.  i’m going to show you the space in my home that feels the worst to me.  if you’ve decided to join in; you can either mentally walk through your home, or do it physically – the idea is to find the space that you like the least.

things you want to watch for as you enter or imagine each space.

• how do you feel?
• what’s your mood like when you walk into that space?
• what’s  your body’s reaction, do you tense up, feel your shoulders pull up, or do you feel yourself soften and your breathing deepen?  or something else entirely?
• what do you notice, what stands out to you, what would you complain about, what would you say about this space?

so this is it.  the room i like the least………

step 2. finding your area of least satisfaction.  this is my daughters bedroom – she loves it because there’s a door that opens onto her own private deck.  but eventually (once my youngest is sleeping through the night – that’s a whole other post) this room will become the guest room, and my office……but for now, it’s a little girls bedroom.

in anya’s room i feel bare, empty – lacking.
my mood feels ok, but a bit annoyed – if i’m honest, i’m annoyed at myself.
my body feels like i can’t entirely relax, my eyes are always searching around the room, i can’t feel relaxed in here because  my mind is busy wondering what to do about this space and feeling embarrassed that i still haven’t done anything -  i wish things were different.
i notice, how bare the walls are, and how sad i feel that this is not the little girls room i dreamed about creating when i was pregnant.  i notice there’s art i wanted to frame and cherish -  it’s still sitting, waiting for me.  i want to decorate, but there seems to be endless choices.  i don’t know what to choose, or where to start.   i want it to look perfect and beautiful – but i’m not sure if i’ll get it right.  i feel stuck and unsure.

if you’re reading between the lines;
anya’s room/my life -there is an area of my life /myself that feels bare, empty, and a little lacking.   i’m annoyed about it, i beat myself up about it a bit, and it’s constantly on my mind, but i don’t really know where to start, im also afraid to start because i don’t want to mess it up, i feel the need to be perfect in this area.  i’m embarrassed about it.  i don’t want people to see this side of me.  i dreamed of this part of my life being different from the current situation i have.  something’s in this area of my life are wonderful, but i don’t enjoy them as much as i could.

funny huh – im annoyed that it’s not the way i want it to be – but i’m too scared to make any real changes that would move me in the direction i want to go.  you can see that this is not a logical way to think at all – but i see it all the time, in my life and with clients.

basically the idea with describing your room is; you could swap that description for some area of your life.

p.s. i’m not going to say exactly what area of my life im talking about – but the important thing here is, i know what part of myself i’m talking about.

ok moving on to the next step……this is the fun part

step 3.  dreaming.  i’m going to close my eyes and think of another space.  somewhere i adore.  a place i find completely breathtaking and beautiful.  if you’re doing this at home – the place you’re thinking of could be anywhere – a friends home, a place you’ve seen on a movie, a place in nature – anywhere at all – inside or outside, next door or across the other side of the world.
find one image that speaks to your heart and print it out.  i’m going to indulge myself, and hit pinterest, to find an actual picture of this place – because who doesn’t love pinterest??

 ok, i’m back, i’ve found my happy place. if you don’t know how to find a picture – just start looking at different things – you’ll notice you get different feelings when you look at different images.  pay attention to your body and how it feels when your eyes land on something.

so when i saw this image, my breathing deepened, and i felt rested and calm…….and a little excited – like wooooooh, a place like that exists.

step 4.  3 words.  now think of 3 adjectives to describe the place you love.  these are mine.  loving, inviting, inspiring, fun.  is fun an adjective?  yes.  today it is.
step 5. go on a treasure hunt.  you want to find some physical object you can bring back to your home – a photo, a blanket, flowers, a knickknack, fabric, a print, a vase, a light shade, -anything at all – that can be described with at least one of the adjectives you chose to describe your image.
step 6.  placement.  now go and put that object into the space you like the least.
step 7.  the throw away.  find something to remove from that space, something that is less inspiring and beautiful.  you can give it away, throw it away, sell it, recycle it.  but take it out of your home.
step 8.  continue.  keep adding and removing until you love the space you used to hate.

so as you can see, i’m up to step 4.  and now i’m on my treasure hunt.  i’ll keep you posted with what happens next.  if you want to see the progress as i go, you can follow me on intsatgram 

if you want to jump in a try this with me, i would love to hear from you – feel free to be in touch by email, kate @ truenature dot me, leave a comment, post your own photos to instagram and tell me about it, or facebook it.
fingers crossed for transformation.

love

“The future is completely open, and we are writing it moment to moment.” – Pema Chodron

i’m excited.
i feel like i should be taking “before” pictures – my life is getting a make-over.

so the other day while i was busy putting together a little pressie for my sister (a coaching workbook custom made for her) i thought;

man wouldn’t it be cool if i went through these practices and exercises too?
wouldn’t it be awesome if i shared my experience so other people could join in and try some new stuff too?
wouldn’t it be fun to see what happens?

because let me be honest – i’m a self-help junkie, but just because i’m a life coach doesn’t mean i don’t yell at my husband, or my kids.  it doesn’t mean that i always make good choices or know what i’m doing.  it doesn’t mean that i don’t get angry or scared or sad. 

sometimes life is going along great, and then bang something happens, or nothing happens, and i lie awake at night worrying about it.

and the funny thing is – just because i’ve got bookshelves full of amazing books that have helped me get through past pain, friends i can call at the drop of a hat, beautiful and supportive coaches, and i know this stuff – doesn’t mean to say that i don’t need more practice.

now admittedly i’ve wanted to do this before (show you how coaching works from the inside out).  but i’ve always been scared i’d mess up, look stupid, be too embarrassed to tell you the truth about what happened, not follow through with ideas and plans, i’m scared that i’ll get half-way through and run out of steam – like a diet that only lasts 2 days, or that time i joined the gym for a full year and only went 8 times (i’m not lying)……………..and the stupid thing is – i coach myself, and implement new ideas all the time, just not publicly.

but so what if any of that happens.

i’m human.

so for the next little while i plan on making this a place of adventure, fun, decadence, love, compassion, exploration, experimentation, observation and truth.  i know so many great exercises and tools, that sometimes i forget about some really fantastic ones that i haven’t pulled out in a while.

so i’m pulling them out.
i’ll be putting them to the test on myself,
and you will get to watch.
and if you’re inspired, you can join in too – because it’s always more fun, with more than one.

my hope is that i’ll change some of the stuff that’s a bit stuck in my life – and that you’ll enjoy sussing out some tools i share, so you can give them a whirl and get busy practicing in your own life – so that you can move some of your stuck stuff.

is this a terrible idea?
could be.
my crazy pet monster who lives on my shoulder, and broadcasts daily all the things that might go wrong, is in a bit of a state at the moment – but i’m ignoring her screams of panic and flailing arms.

so watch this space ……..

and wish me luck.

much love

“Whoever said love is blind is dead wrong. Love is the only thing that lets us see each other with the remotest accuracy.” – Martha Beck

sometimes we forget who our kids are.

we see them for all their talents and achievements.
we see the way they push our buttons and seem to enjoy it.
we see them as patience testers.

their personalities and behaviors is not who they are. not really.

do you remember the first time you held your baby or met your child?
do you remember the overwhelming, heart bursting, world flooding sense of love you had for them?

that’s who they are.
that’s who we are.

i’m playing a new game.  i call it “seeing my kids”
i play by remembering who they are – and seeing them, their essence – not their sweet, funny, crazy, personalities (that i do love) – but who they really are.

to play this game, i look at them and remember things like – the first time i held them, the way they plant kisses on me, the way they wrap their little arms around me, the way they tell me funny mixed up stories, the way they play and laugh about nothing with each other, the way they hold my hand, the way they blow kisses to me, the way they smile when they see me.

you might wonder why i play this game?

it’s because my kids can drive me insane, i can get so angry and frustrated with them.
until i remember who they really are.
and then whatever they’re doing just becomes what it is - communication that looks like a “naughty” child.

all behavior is communication.

so when i can drop into loving my child, the essence of them, i can more easily interpret the communication, and i don’t have to yell or be upset with them.  this doesn’t mean i don’t set boundaries with them, or let them run around and act horrible doing anything they want – no-way that would feel awful – to them, to me and to everyone around us.

what it means is, i can look for what their needs is, what it is they’re trying to communicate, (consciously or not) and help them meet that need, in a way that feels good to both of us.

i know this sounds a bit too good to be true – but why not try it?
run a simple experiment in your life with your kids, wait for a time when you’re kids are going a bit nuts and think to yourself - awesome now i get to try that new thing.

1. stop,take a moment, and remember who they are, their essence – think of the times you’ve just totally fallen in love with them – bring those moments to mind in clear detail, let those memories wash over you.

2. then go in and watch your child, put yourself in their shoes, and try to work out what they need – drop the story you have - the ohh they’re so naughty, they’re just doing that to upset me, they know better than that, they need to stop this behavior right now.  and ask yourself   hmm what are they trying to tell me? what do they need? how can i help her get through this? if it feels right and your child is capable of communicating in language – ask them – honey what do you need right now? – listen with your heart to their response.

3. work out what your needs are.  it feels really good to kids when parents set boundaries – so be clear with them about what your needs are too.

4. look for a way that both your needs can be met.

want an example?

my eldest can throw giant tantrums – i can’t actually explain how huge these are, because when they first started they were totally overwhelming to me.  so the other night she was having one of these moments.
(and trust me, i’ve tried the yelling and screaming back approach too – it really doesn’t work for us – it just makes things worse.)
after a lot of screaming, she finally got out that she just wanted me to leave her alone outside.

• her need was to have some space away from the family and to be in charge of herself and her environment. to have some time to herself where she could just process her emotions, without any pressure.
  

• my need was to know she was safe, not about to run out on to the street, and to know that she wasn’t going to hurt herself or anyone else around her.  i also needed her to calm down so that she didn’t disrupt the whole dinner, bath, bed time for her sister.
  

so despite the fact that it was cold and almost dark outside – i let her go outside, where the yard is fenced and the gate is locked, she stayed outside for about 15 minutes, i left her there, and didn’t try to rush her back inside or quiet her down.
and then she came to the door and said mum what’s for dinner?

and just like that she was back to calm, balance and fun.

when we stay connected to who our kids are, it helps them remember who they are a lot faster – and those tantrums are just storms that if allowed – pass through. 

i hope you have fun playing with this – and your kids

much love

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” – Howard Thurman

“does this look ok?”
“um, no, i’d change if i were you.”
i must have asked this question 50million times.  and it seems so innocent. but when we ask someone else to tell us if we look ok, that’s a sign of no self trust, and no self trust means no self confidence, a need to fit in and be accepted by others and measure up to their standards.  this longing to know we’re ok, might  mean changing our style a little bit, so off we go and get changed into something different.  and then we can relax, knowing we’re not being judged or laughed at – because the possum fur pants have been folded neatly away, under a pile of designer jeans.

it’s ok, it’s not actually your fault – it’s the social training you received growing up.

choosing clothing, is one of  the first ways in which we teach children  how to stop trusting, and expressing themselves, because we don’t want them to be laughed at or stand out in a weird way – we want them to fit in and be accepted by their teacher, other kids, and other parents.  

and so we teach kids the rules. 
you know the rules.

princess dresses aren’t allowed at school – it’s not appropriate.
yes underwear is good – but not on your head.
no – that’s on back to front, its not right – turn it around.
those colours don’t match – choose something else.
you are not leaving the house wearing that – go and get changed.

social training  seems to work.  except it doesn’t.
because it teaches us, how to not trust ourselves.  we forget how to listen for the truth that’s within us, and start looking around outside ourselves for approval, acceptance, answers and support.

and when we forget how to trust ourselves, we also forget that we always know what’s best for us, what looks amazing on us, that it’s ok to express ourselves in whatever way feels most loving for us.  we forget it’s always important to do what our hearts desire.

trust is a very unsexy path to confidence – but it works.

how do i know?

because i used to crave confidence like some people crave chocolate.  i used to look around at all the women who seemed to have confidence, and wonder how they did it, i listened to podcasts, read blogs, books and magazines – nothing took me any closer.  confidence was a total mystery to me.  i felt lost, and scared, and sad, and i didn’t know how to change it or how to become confident.

what i didn’t know about confidence was – it’s a practice. it’s something you can grow and nurture – you just have to know how.

and after literally thousands of hours of searching, and experimenting i finally feel i get it.  (i learned by reading, talking, listening, training and practicing with Martha, Koelle, andLisa , just to name a few.)  and so today i want to lay it out for you – because it’s actually kind of simple.  i want to help you on your road to having more confidence, in a no nonsense, practical kind of way.  and the first thing i want to tell you about, is remembering how to trust yourself again, how to break free of some of that social training.

but here’s the tricky part – it’s not enough to just know this stuff – you actually have to practice it.
don’t take my word for it – run an experiment and see how it works out for you

how can you get confident and learn to trust yourself again?
by learning how to use your bodycompass.
the bodycompass is Martha Beck’s brainchild, and  basically it means learning how to us your body as a compass.  using your bodycompass requires that you learn the language of your body, and trust it to tell you how to lead your life.

the trick is – dropping out of your mind (what you think you know), and into your body.

we are all born with the innate wisdom of our body – we just need to learn how to hear it.
once you can hear it, then you can start taking some small steps in the direction it tells you to go.

because it comes down to one thing;

no one else in this whole world, knows what’s best or right for you – more than you do – only you posses that wisdom. a and when you start to follow your own true nature, you start to feel powerful and confident.

this takes me to the first step…..

1. get out of your mind and into your body.
there are many ways to drop into your body, and today i’ll share one of them with you:
close your eyes and take 3 deep belly breaths.
now feel for you feet, get a sense of what they feel like resting on the floor, are they warm? are they squashed into your shoes? what does your big toe feel like?
keep bringing your awareness to your body, what do your legs feel like?  how does your back feel?  how  does your chest feel?  wheres the tension?  what does it feel like?  what parts of your body feel great? what parts don’t? where are the edges?  where does your body stop and the rest of the world start?  does your body feel at ease and calm, or heavy and tight?
try to keep your awareness in your body for as long as you can, by focusing on specific body parts and noticing how they feel.
yup, that’s all there is to  it.
you can do it with your eyes open once you get a feel for it.  you can practice it while you’re driving, out walking, making dinner, lying in bed – anytime, anywhere.  practice doing this as often as you can, just bringing your awareness into your body and noticing how it feels.

p.s. if this doesn’t work for you email me – kateapanui@gmail.com or leave a comment – for other suggestions – i’d be happy to share and discuss other methods with you.

2. so now you know how to get into your body…..what’s next?
ask yourself, what does my body feel like?  and notice how it feels in all different situations, like how does it feel when you’re at work, when your eating dinner, when your with your friends, when you’re at the beach, when you’re with your family.  make it a game – see how quickly and easily you can get into your body, and how good you can get at noticing what your body’s feeling with all different people and in all different scenarios.

tips

when your body feels closed down, heavy, empty, sick, or anything else along those lines, that’s a sign that something isn’t quite right, you’re either doing something, or believing some kind of story, that’s not serving your best interests. this is a message, your body is telling you something’s not right, change it, move in a different direction.

when your body feels light, open, bubbly, clear, free, sparkly,  that’s a sign that you’re heading in the right direction, keep going along this path, you’re with the right people, doing the right thing, wearing the right thing, creating the right thing.  this is a message, your body is telling you something is right. go this way. take the next step on this path.

once you get used to getting into your body, and listening to the messages, you can use your body to play the kids game warmer/colder….move in the direction of things that feel warmer, and away from things that feel colder.

3. so i know what my body is telling me to do – but i don’t want to do it, i can’t do it, it’s wrong to do it – and other social training stuff.
this often is the tricky part – and it requires self trust, and the only way to get self trust or confidence is to do what you know in your heart/body, is most loving for you. and when you support yourself by taking some kind of action, you start to learn how to trust yourself.

most of us actually know what our hearts desire is, we can often hear the messages, but taking action seems scary, or impossible. the problem is, whenever we don’t listen to our body’s wisdom,  it chips away at confidence, and we doubt ourselves.

listening and taking action, is one part of a powerful recipe for confidence.

it sounds so simple, but in my experience the reality of this practice can be pretty difficult…..because all that social training doesn’t just disappear over night, letting go of that takes practice and work – and that’s where coaching can be helpful.

sage advice that’s helped me on my path

**if your body feels bad – it’s because in someway you’re believing a lie**

my coach told me this a long long time ago – and it has comforted and reassured me, when trusting myself was/is, difficult.

my path to confidence has been a very, very, very, long bumpy road, and it’s not over  -  we write what we need to hear, and for me, there’s always room for deeper practice.

so, i’m dying to know – if you could wear anything, anything at all, no rules, no social training – just for the pure fun of expressing yourself in some way – what would you wear?

i would love to hear your thoughts, stories or questions about confidence, so feel free to message me privately at kateapanui@gmail.com, or leave a comment.

if you’re ready to feel more confident, know this;  your power rests in your body and heart, you already have everything you need. 

you are unique and beautiful and perfect – like a snowflake.

much love on your journey,

p.s.  all the photos in this post have been used with permission from Brandon Stanton, the photographer behind the very popular blog, Humans of New York or HONY.  Brandon walks the streets of NY every day, and takes street portraits – i love seeing the world through his eyes, everyone is beautiful.  everyday i feel inspired and lucky that there are people like him, looking for the radiance of others, that might go unnoticed by the rest of us.  you can follow him on facebook, like i do, if you’d like regular glimpses of real people living their truth, and expressing their true nature.  thank-you so much Brandon for your kindness, generosity and very elegant way of showing us who you are .  changing the world one photo at a time.

also if you want to know more about the body compass, you can check out Martha’s book Finding your own north star. or contact me

and to be honest with you, i read about this concept about 3 years ago, in one of Martha Beck’s books (i can’t remember which one).  and when i read this, i imagined myself doing things like sky diving, climbing a mountain, or kaying (those little boats are scary).  but i don’t think this is what she meant.  and when i looked around my life for the scary things, they were pretty simple and small acts.

a few examples;

• i emailed a friend and told her the truth about something that she’d said, that had been bothering me – i was really scared she would be mad and tell me we weren’t friends anymore.
• i let A, wear what she wants to kindy, – i’m always scared the other kids will make fun of her for her imaginative and rather creative dress sense.
• i let R, be mad at me instead of trying to smooth things over with him before i went out – i hate the feeling of someone being mad at me.
• i coached a friend – i was scared she would think i was a crap coach.
• i invited some new french friends to dinner – i always feel rather inadequate when i cook for french women.

as it turns out, being who you really are, doesn’t involve big, bold, brass monkey moves, (though it might).

it means you show up everyday,
waiting,
and listening,
for the whispers of your soul.

it means you honor and trust yourself.

it means you do, what you know in your heart is right.  (not your head.)

and while doing all of these things was uncomfortable at first – the relief i feel at allowing my truth a voice – brings me a sense of peace and confidence, that i can’t find anywhere else.

so what i want to know is – what is it that scares you?

what is it you really want to do/say/be, but for some reason find yourself shrinking back from?

what’s the smallest step you can take towards being who you really are

i’m dying to see you.

love

“A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.” – proverb

i hesitate all the time.
i’m scared to make mistakes – even though i know logically, mistakes are how we learn.
i feel like once i’m “there” -  then i’ll do “it”.

i’m scared to do something that i’ll later regret, or feel ashamed or embarrassed of.

like what?

dying my hair blond or red or pink or whatever.
getting a tattoo.
saying something that’s on my mind.
speaking in a certain way.
writing or videoing something.
confronting someone.
making a stand or voicing my opinion.

i have this idea that once i know who i really am – i mean really know – then i’ll know all the right things to do - i’ll know how to embody myself perfectly…..

and this perception keeps me utterly stuck.

and then i got to thinking………

• what if the makers of Starwars had never made the film, because they knew that one day the technology they were using would be outdated and they could make a way better version in the future?

(Starwars would probably never have been made, they’d still be waiting for the perfect technology -  holding themselves back, saying stuff like “in a few years we’ll be able to release the perfect version of this – people will die watching it because they’ll love it so much”.  and the world would be a poorer place.)

and then i got to thinking………..

my daughter is the perfect teacher.

she gets a free reign on what she wears – anything goes – i trust her to choose what’s right for her  (this has not been easy).  some days it’s PJ’s to the supermarket, princess dresses, skirts pulled up to her armpits made to look like strapless tops, too big belts, dresses over pants, singlets over t-shirts, paper streamers stuck to tops, scarves in all sorts of interesting ways.  some days she asks me to put a plait on each side of her head and one down the back, 3 plaits – i find this particularly distressing. 

yes – she’s a total hipster.

she trusts herself and her judgment, and she always chooses what feels good and right to her in any given moment.
and when it stops feeling good – she changes.

it’s not unusual to see as many as 4-5 different outfits in one day.

she’s unafraid to express herself, or make a mistake.

so i ask myself  “how can i be unafraid to express myself?”

by trusting that who i am now, is not who i will be one year from now, 10 years from now, or even tomorrow.
nor do i want it to be.

and if i am not true to myself in this moment, i mean this moment right now, then that evolution of self slows down, and i remain stuck, waiting to be the perfect expression of myself.  staying the same. staying scared.

and the only real way to stop being afraid, is to walk through the fear.

do the things that i really want to do – that i feel afraid of – with compassion for myself, instead of the strict idea that i have to have all the answers and get it all right.

and maybe it’s about re-phrasing it – so that it’s about trying new things to see what feels good to me – just as my daughter tries a million different outfits and dance moves.

so here’s my plan – for the next week i will do one thing a day that scares me.

it scares me even just to type that, because i have no idea what im going to do.  but the idea is to coax my true nature out of her shell and into the sunlight.

i’ll keep you posted on how it goes.

and if you feel like joining me in this, i would love to have a friend to walk the path with.
consider this post your invitation to dip your toe into the deep sea of your true nature.

here are some pictures of my little guru – my personal favourites are the rainbow shoes.

love always

sometimes i long to know the truth about myself.
i catch glimpses of it.
but sometimes i feel a longing to embody myself more fully.
to really be me.
to stop being scared.
to love myself even if no-one else does.
to lead my girls.
to shine.

connie lim is my latest find – she’s stunning, talented and radiant.  her music touches my soul in a way that brings me to life.

she connects me to myself.

the way she lets her soul shine – teaches and allows me to do the same.

my girls and i dance to her at least once a day. 

this is our favourite

if you love it – jump over to pay what you can for this cover here

and this is my other favourite

come on baby girl you gotta put up a fight

yup, i love some connie lim.