“The great work of our time, is to bring the feminine into our culture.” – Marion Woodman
the other night i was on a call with a friend,
she said; “don’t be so hard on your self, give yourself the year”
i said; “yeah, you’re right, i’ll be indulgent and take the year”
she said; “well, if you call changing nappies, wiping snotty noses, cooking and cleaning and looking after your family indulgent!”
ahhh yes, that’s what i was referring to as self indulgence.
and it hit me.
i, like many, many, many, other women out there – don’t know how to truly treat myself with great care. i put myself last, at every corner. well maybe not every corner, but pretty damn often.
let me give you an example;
a couple of weeks ago, i was sick, which to me was like christmas, i was actually a bit excited to be feeling so bad, because it meant i had an excuse to stay in bed, read my book, watch Ellen, and go to bed early. it was like a holiday. a guilt free holiday.
or this:
i wanted to listen to a radio show with 2 of my favourite authors, it was on at 5pm-6pm. i asked my husband if he would mind me listening to the show. (i was going to edit out this wording, mind me - and change it to asked my husband if he would help me listen to the show in peace, by looking after the girls - which is true too, but i realised how deeply this kind of thinking is ingrained in me, and i thought it was a good reminder.) all he had to do was hang out with the kids, and get dinner on the table (which of course i had prepared earlier). he happily agreed to be with the girls, but the whole time i was listening, i felt guilty. this isn’t because he was making me feel bad – it was because i was making me feel bad.
the reason i’m talking about this, is because i know i’m not the only woman in the world who has moments like this.
and you know what?
that is not ok.
i have 2 little girls, and the last thing in the world i want to teach them, is that their happiness comes in after everyone elses. that for them to be ok, everyone else has to be ok first.
daddy can go and play golf. but mummy shouldn’t take an hour to listen to inspiring women talk and share their ideas. mummy should be inside with the family. (logically this is not how i think, i know better. but because of my social training this is kind of what i think, without thinking).
women will only be treated differently, better, like the amazing, magnificent, beautiful creatures we are – when we learn how to treat ourselves this way first.
i spend a lot of my time telling my clients; do what feels most loving for you.
and while i’m great at doing what feels most loving for me in the bigger moments, you know, like, telling someone what i need from them in a relationship, or giving myself space and setting a boundary, there are still a thousand little moments in a day, where i’m putting myself second, missing opportunities to treat myself with love, kindness, respect, and compassion. i’m certainly not lavishing myself with love and kindness, or doing what feels most loving for myself in every moment.
- a cup of tea either gets gulped down so fast i forget i even had it, or it sits, almost full until i finally get a chance to take a moment for me, and then it’s cold.
- i have a shower as fast as i can, with the door wide open, the draft blowing in, and little people toddling in and out, throwing books, dolls and shoes into the bath with me.
- when i get an email from a friend, i write a hurried response, rather than enjoying the connection we share.
- i am the last one to sit down at the dinner table, making sure everyone has everything.
- if i ever do get a quiet house to myself, i feel like there’s so much that i want to do, that i try and do all of it, like while i write an email, i make a mental list, phone a friend, feel wistful about having a nap – and guilty for wasting time if i actually take it, and then, if i’m lucky i might squeeze in a 2 or 3 pages of my book. make that 2 books – because i can’t just read one at a time, that wouldn’t be efficient. i need all that information, all at once. and then i check my phone – again.
it seems i’ve forgotten the art of being a woman, i’ve lost my wild feminine. that part of myself that is wild and free and moves with intention, purpose and grace. i’ve forgotten that to give anything; love, kindness, time, appreciation, fun, i must be able to openly and freely receive these things too. i’ve forgotten that to be an amazing, magnificent and beautiful creature i must treat myself this way. i must put myself first.
and so this is my practice. bringing myself into alignment with my inate feminine soul. because the feminine in all of us (not just women – men too) is about allowing, receiving, opening, being.
and how, you might ask, am i doing that?
i think this will look different for every woman, or maybe not – but here’s what i’ve been doing……
i’m getting very, very, clear about what i want to do each day. and i’m doing it. this means that i spend time alone with myself each morning in yoga or meditation, i focus on something or nothing and notice what comes up from deep within me. i’ve stopped focusing on what would be best for the kids, what kind of craft activity would be most fum for them, and i’ve started to do what i want to do, making space and inviting them to join in with me – which they usually do. i’ve started to go to the part of the park that has no playground, only trees, where we can just lie in the grass, make daisy chains and climb tress, imagining all sorts of things. i breath, deeply into my pelvic bowl. i notice the wind on my face, the stars in the sky and sun on my back. i’m falling into sync with the seasons of the earth, the day, myself. i ask myself questions like, “what do i want?” and get answers like, “malva pudding, a sleep-in, a hot bath, a story, a walk, sex, that print, new clothes, a trip away with my girlfriends, that book, wind chimes, to go horse riding…..” and then i climb into a bath, or bed, i follow my heart, my longings, my feminine nature, and feel fulfillment. indulgence. love.
and what about the guilt, you ask, how do you deal with the guilt?
turns out that’s kind of easy.
when i’m doing the things my heart calls me to do, and when i really pay attention to what’s actually going on around me, rather than telling myself a story about what i should be doing – then i start to notice that everyone around me relaxes, firstly, because it reminds them that it’s perfectly ok to do whatever they want to do. it creates an environment of freedom and choice for everyone. secondly, because when i feel fulfilled, happy, and relaxed – less focused on how to make others happy, and totally focused on how to make me happy, then i have something to offer, something to give, i’m not pouring from an empty cup. i’m a whole person again. i notice that sometimes i feel guilty, and that’s ok, this is a new thing i’m learning how to do. i remind myself how my guilt makes me behave, how horrible that feels, and how i’m less like the mama i want to be when i feel guilty like that.
if you struggle with this idea, you could try this one little thing. a practice i got from a lovely book i’m reading called Mothering from Your Centre, by Tami Lynn Kent.
each day, create an invitation for your feminine nature to be with you, give her some space in your life. you can do this by giving yourself 15 – 20 minutes to enjoy a mug of your favourite warm beverage. keep a special notebook handy so you can jot down any ideas, thoughts or dreams that come to you, and take your time, enjoying the warmth and nourishment that come from the time spent alone. don’t check your email, read your book, or ring a friend. don’t make a groceries list, organise your photos or let your kids climb all over you. just be. centre. and notice what comes up.
as always, keep me up with what’s going on for you on your path, i’d love to hear how you’re inviting your feminine into your daily life.
lots of love
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